Despite

in spite of

This semester has made me realize that sometimes you have to give away pieces of yourself to make it through and hope that when the time is right you’ll find those pieces again and they won’t be forgotten. I think if you would ask me to describe myself I would describe myself by the things I do. And recently I’ve found that I can’t do many of the things that made me, me. So who have I become? I have an identity, I’m sure I do. I’m not a person walking around with no face no personality, but I’ve realized that I might be a little bit afraid to claim pieces of myself I don’t actively shape and do. Aster once asked something along the lines of if I’m good with compliments. And not to sound self-centered, but I’ve learned that I’ve had to get used to compliments, I get them too often to not know how to take them. That still doesn’t make them feel any less weird sometimes. I don’t think I articulated it well at the time but I said something along the lines of “I like getting compliments on the things I do.” The things I spend time and energy on because they come from the most urgent pieces of me. The lines I write, the music I create, the clothes I pick, the work I do. Every other compliment feels like unearned flattery and fake. I feel like the loss of my time had robbed me of my personhood.

I feel like I can boil down the past few months into themes, and I will for you!

Time, wants, and the assertion that everything is too little in comparison.

I have constantly felt that time is fleeting from me, every new day is today’s day after the next. When it’s Tuesday, it’s basically Thursday and there’s never enough time for me to feel like I can do it all. And I want to be able to do it all. My Goodreads goal is dead, my media consumption is dead. I’ve realized I’ve been on an involuntary T break and over the weekend two hits got me incredibly high. Painfully so, (this is me alluding to a lot of throw-up).

Which leads me to the fact that I have goals! Maybe too many of them. But I feel like I haven’t achieved much, there’s this gaping hole in what I deem achievements. I think now is a time for a redefinition of my wants. Coming into this semester I wanted community and I still do, but I feel like somehow I’m not doing something right. My delusional local celebrity crush is dead, and our friend group has barely grown. We’re in desperate need of adoption. But people come and things change and I can’t make them stay. This doesn’t make me as sad as it used to in the past. I think it’s because right now I at least have Maya and Stella. I want to build these relationships and I want people to build them with me. But time is a bitch. So instead I might have to pivot into a new goal. Rest. I want to focus on resting. I’m always worried I’m missing something and that’s a fundamental part of me—understanding that things are better when they aren’t the bare minimum. And I constantly feel I am hitting the bare minimum. That I can only fit the bare minimum.

Resting is finding the time for sleep. I think I might look the worst right now compared to my whole college career. I’ve never noticed the circles around my eyes more than in the last few weeks. So I am looking forward to London. To being new—starting fresh. To rest in London! I constantly look forward to when I can rest, and the only answer insight is when the winter hits. So I’ll be patient. In the meantime, resting is finding time to read, to watch a movie or an episode of a show. None of which I have done in a while. I think some of it is mitigating aspects of my life. A background show, a background movie. Being with people when you eat, when you do work.

I went to a poetry reading the other day with an emphasis on friendship. On the importance of finding family in queer friendships which I think I understand more than a lot. I think one of my missions in life is to build family out of friends. I have a complicated relationship with my family and the ways in which we perceive “closeness”. They can provide me with support but they can never be who I really need them to be. I used to be afraid that I ask for too much in friendships and that people couldn’t give me what I want. But it’s all a matter of being hopeful. I think I’m always asking for a lot and will likely continue to for all my life. I hope I find it.

I’ve also learned many things about feeling like nothing is ever enough. In comparison to last year, when things feel off, they are probably off. You can’t force someone to hang out with you, to think of you in the way you want them to because as cheesy as it always is—if they wanted to they would. (I’ve been really into snapping after things that resonate, so feel free to snap) It’s important for me to find a balance in accepting what you can change and who you can’t. I can’t force aspects of me to change, I can’t change my importance in someone else’s life. Other people are smart (most of the time), and people know how to treat people right. If they cared—you would know that they do.

I hope this isn’t reading like a sad post, I don’t want it to. I’m looking for magic. Which in the context of today might be a little hard. But we don’t stop living. I’ll wake up tomorrow and the day after next and the day after next. Today, it doesn't feel hard to be hopeful for a future of mine 4 years down the road. I know I can’t say the same for others and maybe I am in delsionville.

I think around this time last year, I said I wanted the theme of my year to be love, 2023-2024. I am different because I can say I want community. I want to feel supported and for others to find their solstice. I want open and free communication and a consideration of others that lets them know that you see them. When you grab them that spoon they forgot or pick up their trash. When you give them a letter they mentioned as a joke in a one-off comment, when you’d do them that favor of walking with them even when it’s out of your way. I in spite of it all, and this might be sometimes a little contradictory and hypocritical want to live in a world of compassion for the people you care about, even just a little bit.

I want time, I want people, I want for everything to be enough. I know some days will be hard. But today it’s warm, even if it shouldn’t be. The wind is kind and the sun kisses my skin. The faces around me are a bit defeated and if no one else can be hopeful today, I can be.

You and I can take turns.