This is my stream of consciousness on a sad Monday night before a stressful Tuesday. It’s rough, unrevised, a little corny but I don’t think this is a piece of work that needs to be more than it was—a point in time at 12 in the morning. It was a bit of a hard week. There were consistent hard weeks after that. I don’t think I’ve ever been so busy in my whole college career! Who would’ve thought double majoring in astronomy would catch up to me?
After writing that piece I had two really good lunchtime conversations. That Tuesday I had lunch with Yena and maybe my late-night writing manifested our conversation that day, but she called me pretty. It was like she read my insecurities that night and followed up with an “I’m not the type of person to just say that.” Me, her, and Maya had an overall yap session about dating at Smith and It reminds me how much I learn when I just get to be with different people. So I guess on that Tuesday, thank god for Yena. That following Wednesday I had lunch with AC. This is funny cause both of these people are now subscribed to my substack—a small world. All we effectively did was yap but it really inspired me to set goals and I think I’ve realized that goals are so so so important. When I go to Leadership conferences and they say it’s important to remember why you want to do this in the first place they are so right. My talk with AC really helped me put into perspective what do I want out of my time at Smith? And what do I do if I’m currently unsatisfied with it? No one else is going to fix a problem for you. I’ve decided that it’s so important to become more integral to the community, to a community I want to be mine. I still want to meet more people and talk and hang out. And while it’s a struggle right now it’s a long-term goal that I’m committed to.
I think what I’ve been feeling the most for the past 2-3 weeks is just stress and overwhelmed. And I don’t like living my life like this, it makes me break out!
I’ve deleted tiktok so I’m effectively stuck in the realm of 2024 meme culture, but in the wise words of a once trending tiktok sound: “They
say when you change your perspective that’s when miracles happen.” Which is something I sadly desperately need. I’m not actually sure I believe it yet, but nothing deluding yourself can’t accomplish!
Undoubtedly a lot of things are weird, or maybe just different, but for some reason, I’ve had this inherent cycism to the things I feel are complex. Things that deserve to be thought about in full and don’t have clean answers, but right now I’m a glass half empty. My love life right now is weird and I really think I’m the only one holding me back. For some reason, there’s this hesitation in letting anything happen and I feel like I need a catalyst/thrusting force. I know I just said that no one else is going to fix your problems for you but I need to get out of my head. I’m too good at letting things happen to me and not getting out of my head. The problem is that I want too many things and I feel like I can’t have them (I’ve said something along these lines before). Some rejections you have to take and move on, others you don’t. I’m trying to learn how to work around not having the things I want.
I’ve run out of many things recently: my lexapro, money, motivation. It’s a tough time right now because I recognize there are so many things I want and things I want to do to achieve them but I’ve been stuck in just feeling bad about many things. It’s hard to explain because I know that me overthinking and ending on a conclusion that’s sad and quite mean is wrong but that still doesn't mean that I can fully make myself believe it’s wrong. That was a vague sentence.
When I used to do therapy at children’s hospital back in high school, Stefania told me about mind traps where let’s say because someone didn’t ask you to go to __ then you’ve come to a conclusion that they don’t want you around or don’t care enough about you and now you’ve spiraled and keep on finding instances that prove your conclusion. But because you think others are rejecting you, you subconsciously reject them too, and now you’re stuck in this sad cycle. I’m somewhere in that cycle just not as intense. I understand that people are nicer and don’t anyalze things more than my insecurities lead me to believe but I’ve had a hard time shutting that down recently. All my efforts of perservence and trying to engage with others just further make me wonder how annoying am I.
I have this thing I’m working on—I’m trying to take up more space. It sounds corny but I think it’s important. I have this fear that I’ll make the people I like uncomfortable, really deeply irk them. And it’s a stupid fear but deeply entrenched in me. I’m still learning how to handle rejection but the thought of being close with someone and having them turn around and not be there anymore I think also scares me. But if I allow myself to take up space then it doesn’t matter if I do something annoying or embarrassing. I get more opportunities to redefine my outward presentation. If I’m quiet and small all the tiny things I do start to define how I see myself and I should be allowed to make social mistakes and come back from it.
In the spirit of doing more, I want to perform this semester. I want to party, I want to be around music, around nature, I want work not to overwhelem me, I want to feel like the things I do are important, I want to show up for my commitments, I want to have me time, free time, I want to give love, cry, and laugh and yap.
I want to be Forest Gump.
Now that I don’t have tiktok to distract myself I’ve taken to watching video essays and I recently watched one on Forest Gump. Knowing the topic of the video is “The Strange Conservatism of Forest Gump” and how this movie has been co-oped by the right you would question why I would say that. I mean the reason why the movie is so susceptible to right-wing propaganda is because it does a lot without saying anything. Forest is a static American character who doesn’t do much, he goes through life and lives his wacky adventures but the movie never says anything about the liberal movements it interjects or has a stance on war. But I’m going to say something sacrilegious—let’s forget all of that.
Forest makes the best out of his life. he is allowed to not be bogged down by societal expectations because he doesn’t really get them. He can adventure—be a world famous ping pong player, and start a shrimp company, he can discover Watergate, and become a college football star. I know that I’m filled with multitudes and I’m always saying this but I want to share them. I just feel like things are hard to press start on.
I know this moment right now is just one blip and maybe in a month I’ll have a completely different perspective. And it feels kind of regressive to talk about my not happy feelings when my goal is to bring these bits of optimism back into life and on my blog. But writing helps, even right now as I censor my thoughts cause I can’t in whole share me with you guys and expect it all to be understood fully without invoking a sense of unwanted pity.
So right now I’m a bit sad, I’m a bit stressed, a bit insecure, a bit afraid, a bit yearnful, a bit unmotivated, a bit unhopeful, a bit in pain from my period just starting, and yes.
This post feels more unwarranted than the others and I guess I’m a bit sorry for having to make you read all of it. I hope next time you hear from me I’ll say more interesting things. About how I’m trying so many new things and I had a great break and it doens’t matter if I disappoint anyone else but me and that I feel brave enough to just be.
on the brightside — the friends I do have are wonderful and amazing and I should hug them more often.
I haven’t written a song in a while, haven’t sung in a while and this one is a work in progress as all songs are. Not too sure I like the lyrics yet. Recorded on voice memos.
banger ranger