Okay not to sound like a broken record or anything, but I feel like being in California has made me do a lot of reflecting. Setting the scene, I am eating my first Aciai bowl and I have just recently turned twenty—this means I have to update my bio. The breeze here is a lot gentler than back in Maryland, it’s colder than I expected. I’ve never been chilly before in the month of July. But I’ve been having some wacky dreams recently that come to me in hazes which reminds me of people I’ve met and forgotten about.
I think I miss being drawn to people. I think the mysticism of life has been so fleeting. I used to believe some feelings were so strong that two people had to be able to both feel it. That some people could work so well that every talking moment, every almost touch felt like letting two magnets find each other. And I would like to believe that these things are still true but in it’s absence, you forget they exist.
I realized I haven’t written in a while and I was thinking that I wish I could be in love just so I could be like one of those artists that have a muse. To be an artist that has the motivation to write poetry and tell stories of life and the world they’ve come to know. I want to be creative again and have something to show for it! My summer has been drained by classes and in my pursuit of relaxation (running away to another state) I don’t have my guitar (who I miss dearly) or the inspiration to write a story or a poem, or frankly it seems the time to watch more movies.
I’m not sure I had a point to make when I started writing this, more like words to write down to feel productive. Nikté was saying that she has such a powerful mind and usually what she wants tends to come to pass. Maybe it’s because I’ve surrounded my constant hopefully optimism with a mandatory side of cynicism, but I can’t remember something I REALLY wanted coming to pass. I haven’t felt a sigh of relief or that feeling of excitement and joy of being rewarded with something I wanted. Maybe the solution to this is to be more delusional? But of course, I’m very grateful for everything I’ve gotten and everything I have but why do I constantly feel like I’m dulling myself down to be okay with the way things are turning out? I think my ambitions are too big that they can’t exist in me for this long, so I have to let them go piece by piece until they fit my reality.
All of this might sound a little depressing, and I guess it might be a little melancholic but, on the bright side, I currently don’t feel depressed! I think it’s still to early in my life to call any of these thoughts facts—just speculations. I’m still hoping that by next year I make more music, I write more, I get really good at astronomy and I become famous and everyone in the world wants me. I become the people’s princess and all my solutions are solved by the abundance of money coming my way. I go to clubs and pubs and find my way into lake houses with friends where we all get shitfaced and play games. Midway through the night, we all start confessing our love for each other and how we never want to not be in each others’ lives. Maybe that’s a tall order? Maybe it’s not. Just a girl.
Anyways, that’s my update. I also haven’t listened to music in a while but i’ll drop some songs.