I’m dying
oh my god my dying. i feel like tiny aspects of my life are crashing right now. i think it’s the performances in my future (my band’s and just mine) that’s setting me off. I’ve gotten better with anxiety and doing certain things—compared to like middle school—performance anxiety is performance anxiety. the messed up part about it is that it’s never something i can talk myself out of—there’s years of underlying association conditioning. i don’t even have to think to have the nerves show.
I’m typing this and i realized just so many things have been rolling since i last blogged. nothing crazy, it’s never anything crazy, I’m still living a slightly tame life. but I’ve been reeling from 20 different things at once, feeling wanted and un the usual as it exists
I feel like I could say about a month ago (maybe only 3 weeks) we had our first gig. back then we changed our name to Breakfast for Dinner cause Sofya didn’t work out but now were pretty definitively Marrow. I worry sometimes if it projects an image that were not, I worry a lot about being received as something I’m not. There’s still this caveat to being lead singer—it gives me anxiety and still I guess I do like having people rely on me. or just being in a team, it’s why i loved wrestling so much. but again there’s so much pressure to voice for a band but really i wouldn’t have it any other way. it feels like a pipe dream fantasy in a way. last semester I kept saying that I would do open mics—I never did. but this year I said i could/would preform by myself at capen garden? I think i really just wanted a place to put my songs other than here. the thing about making things is that you want people to hear it, see it, read it. I’ve been thinking about when I’m older and i describe this moment of my life to my kids or something and I go “yeah i was in a band in college…i was the lead singer” it’s weird to imagine the now as a now and not already a past. time is just so fleeting and it always passes you by
anyways that week we had our first (and only so far) gig i guess i had my most (and maybe only) definitively romantic encounter. Which was nice because I’m just a person. and I switch between feeling like everyone is in love with me and that no one is, right now I’m going down the ladder. it just sucks because I won’t have that moment again or even a possibility to recreate it. and I know me—if I have something on my mind for too long i will impulsively do something about it and ruin my day…and I have and I will have to live in my embarrassment.
on a contrary even though this was about a man, I’m sacred sometimes that smith college could’ve turn me into a lesbian. and there’s nothing wrong with this statement, but I feel like the severe lack of exposure to men really affects how I perceive them and my development in understanding the world around me and how things work. I feel like even more than before I understand and enforce the gender roles in a way I didn’t before. smith is so incredibly queer and I understand the blending of gender in this space done by women, non binary, and trans men. but when I meet a man I can’t help but analyze and box our socialization and their characteristics. There are ways that I understand we are inherently different and that they’ll never get me the way another girl does. but to that, there’s the chance I’ll never be able to understand them. there are times more often than not that I find my self annoyed at just the presence of a man—and there’s nothing they can do about it. I worry I’m subconsiously becoming attunded to something I didn’t want to be.
pivot! I don’t know if you recall (you would if you read my posts) I did once say I was in love with Sapien Joyride, there’s a small chance I was so involved then because I was just high off the experience of the concert. the room was hot and there were sweaty men. again delusions delusions. but! we’re playing the same show coming up with means i have to show up and show out. Not that i need their (or one person’s) validation to be cool but it couldn’t hurt.
I wanted to also add that I guess I’m a liar because I said I wasn’t going to get on more dating apps but not even a whole day past from my last blog post and I redownloaded hinge (because Lia made me). but it’s really getting to that point now and it’s truly sad and I would love to put the effort into it but I can’t it’s both too much and too little.
I feel like there’s more things to say, because there has to be this weird reason why i feel so bad and am still feeling it as I write.
I’m tempted to put this behind a paywall, but who really reads my blog?
I’ve talked about [insert name] a few times to people and I’ve stopped talking about this because I’m sacred of being too repetitive especially when nothing can come of us. he lives a lot in my brain and it’s partially my fault I’ve willingly let him stay there. this is like last semester when I convinced myself it was okay to have a crush on she who will not be named. the issue is I think because I can’t fully let him go I’m hurt by this imaginary way that I’m convinced whatever that was was a fluke. I won’t see him again, if I do—it likely won’t be for a long long time. he has a life, people to meet, and it doesn’t stop because he met me. It hurts that I don’t understand anything—because there’s nothing to understand. I mean we both know nothing happened so he could assume I hated him wasn’t into him, only wanted to hold him. and I feel like I barely said goodbye even if it might’ve been too short of a time for goodbye to matter. for some reason I feel like I’m at fault in a situation where there is none. I feel like everything is different with boys and I can’t read them—I can pretend to and that too is a problem. really he could’ve liked me or I could’ve been the only other available person at the time. I really think he’s able to move on because he’s a boy and he’s not me. I ruminate on everything and carry it in me. if you make me feel something you already get thrown into a space of importance I can’t eject you from. I’ve written him four chords and a verse (I’ve written songs about all my crushes after I learned to play guitar). I really think he doesn’t think about me because how do people function with things on their minds? I’m learning to take what is reciprocated at face value.
I really think I’m hurt on my own accord because I know better and it’s weird how much this affecting me in this moment because I don’t think this crosses my mind all the time. and it’s odd that I’m at this point right now because I think it took me days to understand that I could like him. it’s just one of those days—one of those nights where feelings that were small and insignificant make their way to the surface and somehow make you suffer. I think like once before and many times to come I’m heartbroken by my delusions. that my life is not a movie or a book and that people and characters can pass through and out and never come back again. and that’s a little sad to me
on another note I was so sure someone else was into me. and the thing about this is that it takes a while for me to feel comfortable to reciprocate someone’s feelings but I feel like with enough time given it would happen but I feel like I’m always too late on the come up or reading things wrongly. Because why am I always so confused and so lost. Do I really make most things up in my head? I feel like not because I’m not THAT self absorbed. so why can’t every moving piece — people —just fit into place? there are too many things that I want and I feel like I’m never allowed any of them. I think my wants are tiny and small because I feel like my life is a little tiny and small.
give me what I want
I haven’t done homework in like 3 days and it’s really affecting me, everything is really affecting me and its 2 am and i feel like if i go to sleep I wont get anything done but I’m not getting anything done now. for some reason all I want to do is sit with my guitar. all I want is her (Jovis) and I time.
I really think I just need to write a song and get it all out, I think I would be able to finally breath then.
(update - i stayed up till like 4 and wrote a song)
on that note listen my my class project for climate change (not Marrow) affiliated.
Here are some songs for you <3
side side note why is jojo siwa infiltrating the culture
you describe the "lost" understanding of men perfectly. yes i felt that. yes i feel this. you are an incredible writer, Kaday.
The people who r not in love w u r losers