I’ve made it into my year of rest and relaxation…but not really because I have to somehow start and finish 12 internship applications by the 31st. But AFTER it will be. I’ve been doing quite a bit of contemplation and meeting many new people. Being in a completely different part of the world really puts into perspective how small it really is. How the girl you meet is friends with a friend of a friend who is now your friend. Or how that guy you met knows the boy you went to high school with and how this has happened more times than you expected it to.
I’ve come to London with a mix of opinions and thoughts. I didn’t realize until I got here that I had so many expectations for it. I thought of some high-class apartment with wine bottles lying around everywhere, warm dim lighting, and many hot boys (cut me some slack this does not exist in Northampton). But I think this year is really about shifting my mindset. Every day is a day that you work on yourself—I work on me. My room is small, and sometimes my bathroom carries a weird smell but that’s okay! My lamp does wonders, I have a Febreze bottle of a smell I love and reminds me of the color of this blog. And when I get my decorations I have hope. It’s cold but not in a way that I can’t bear a brisk 40 degrees, better than 30, much much better. I’m grateful for the breaks of sunlight in the abundance of clouds, and I will hopefully learn to love those too, and I love public transportation even though it is actively making me go broke.
Each passing day there are more and more people from my college on Substack which brings conflicting emotions. It’s the feeling of loving an artist and realizing you now have to share them with the world. I’ve had this blog for almost 4 years, I’ve carried these words and deeply sad parts of my adolescence for 4 years on this blog. I’ve been writing through my turmoil and 3 subscribers. Not that this page has grown much since then, but it feels like letting go of a long-time acquaintance. I’ve had friend breakups that hurt much less than this. Like sharing pieces of me with people I’m not sure would understand it, appreciate it like I do. This boom in local readership has infiltrated my mind and has made me self-conscious about what I post and who gets to read it. But I realized I shouldn’t care. I want to be perceived and digested, it’s why these words are here and not in my journal. So my challenge to myself is to be the most vulnerable I can be.
Today, I met up with Maya at a Cafe before her class. Which I enjoyed doing—I love spending time with her. I was spieling about “ugly people” which I talk about in a half joke. All my friends to me are beautiful. And it might seem vapid or even shallow but I know there is some societal truth and norms hidden under my words. There’s a deep rooted idealism that if you hang out with people you aren’t “attracted to” you in a way are admitting you are like them—you are the company you keep—and as I dismantle that I think it’s stupid! I don’t believe in defining your worth in beauty, it’s all so subjective and I’ve been personally victimized by beauty standards. So I will be less shallow…from now on it’s whatever.
It’s both smaller and bigger than I expected here. I have to admit there are many things I didn’t think about. But truly it all doesn’t matter. I know it’s not cruel to say I ran away from Smith to come here because I know many others who have done the same. But I find that I seem to be seeking comfort in the things that are familiar to me. I am enamored by the people I meet from Maryland/Virginia/DC and even though I didn’t want it, I’m saddened by my outcast status from the Smithies who have ended up in the same program as me. Especially since they seem to be both flocking towards each other AND branching out. I know that many of these relationships are tied to other relationships that I don’t associate with and it’s a lifelong struggle for me to learn that everyone can’t like you—and I don’t want them to.
I’ve met quite a few people so far, somehow too many and not enough. The other international students are very nice and are also trying to find their bearings. I feel like a first-year all over again. But I’m not trying to fall into the trap of falling into one friend group and staying there but I also don’t want to have these relationships turn into half-smiles 3 months down the road. I have one group saying we should party, and another group as well saying we should all hang out, and again and again—how do you choose? I’ve met many people that I’ve had great conversations with and people that I enjoy but still feels like I'm grasping for straws. I feel like I'm somehow waiting it out for that connection that feels “just right” one that feels like what I have with Maya and Stella, or Kayla and Noelia, or Nandi and Gillian. But then I’m reminded that when Maya and I first met it didn’t instantly work out and I didn’t find her again until the next semester. So maybe these things take time?
Other updates include: I’ve had my first non platonic make out with a girl who came on to me at the club. She was not my type. She was also sniffing poppers I think and I couldn’t tell if her vape was weed or nicotine. There is now a tickle in my throat and I have to hope for the best it isn’t a cold creeping in. I downloaded Hinge to meet people, it’s only been 3 hours and it is nighttime, but so far disappointing. I’m trying to buy an amp off of Facebook Marketplace, hangout with Caroline, Kate, Maya, and Lana, I bought a Membership to the cinema, had UK Popeyes (not as good), went out to another club with a group of people I just met, spent entirely too much money already, smokes many cigs and hit many vapes, trauma dumped, had UK subway (the same everywhere ig—but Fanta and Sprite is not!), and went to the British museum.
At the British Museum, I could only think “Wow they ARE thieves”. More so I was thinking about how the Africa section was the smallest out of all the others and located in the basement. I didn’t know whether to be glad or disappointed that they didn’t have much and that they had nothing from Sierra Leone or its neighbors. But I looked at the artifacts with love nonetheless.
In an attempt to read more, I’ve started In The Dream House (There’s a plethora of books I have started and haven’t finished yet). I have found that even just a small way through the book I resonated a lot with many things. Here are some quotes:
“She is that mix of butch and femme that drives you crazy”
“The sex was bad, obviously, but what you remember most clearly is what you wanted from that night. […] You wanted someone to be obsessed with you. […] How do you get someone you want to want you? Why did no one love you?”
I have thought this thought many times!
“This had never been the case before; it had always been fraught. How many times had you said, “If I just looked a little different, I’d be drowning in love”?
This one too, I will stop doing this.
“You have always suspected that you are shallow when it comes to desire, and there it was”
(see above)
“he fucked you and fed you and tired to teach you to love California. It was all you ever wanted. He was so pretty. You loved his downy ass, his surprisingly soft scruff, the strength of his hands. You wanted to crawl up inside him and have him crawl up inside you. He made you feel special and sexy and smart. He broke up with you because he didn't love you, which is a very good reason to break up with somebody, even though at the time you wanted to die.”
Not sure why this impacted me.
Anyways, needless to say, I’m still excited. I’m learning to take things as they are, to take me as I am. And I’ll hold out for the click still but it’s not everything I need it to be.
Here are some songs for the new years — some stolen from Maya
Sue me this is a good cover.
I’ve always wanted to live in London!! And let me know what you think when you finish in the dream house - I loved it! And love your writing 💕
Your words are too true. manifesting greatness in london 🤲