Spring breaking on the tracks

I didn't proof read

I’ve been feeling a sort of way, and I feel like making something would do away with that. It theoretically would be my february vlog, but I’m just too lazy and too strapped for that right now. right, so I had this thought the other day

so I’m on the train now on my way to NY to see LS Kim (Lia), Natty P (Natalie), and Caroline—and I have no clue what that thought was from the other day. but I thought what better way to spend my time than typing on my substack. I’m at this weird place with getting more subscribers (even if it is this tiny amount) and I’m afraid my writing will seem juvenile, insuperior, and unimportant. but I mean I didn’t start this blog to perform for people, I did it as an outlet which theoretically means it’s okay if my words are juvenile because my feelings might be, or because I am.

It’s spring break now—I’m cutting it about a day early—and the weather is suspiciously nice. I won’t complain even though I should after having a sad winter due to climate change. but there is nothing the sun won’t uplift if it’s warm enough. 60-degree weather is so enough for my heart to defrost. so these are my life updates. I’m sick :( I really didn’t think this could happen to me! after being down in the dumps for like 2 and a half months last semester with illness I figured it wouldn’t happen again, I figured wrong. but despite the cold, I’m optimistic. My days and weeks have been going at a concerningly fast rate. when I say I swear 3 weeks ago was yesterday you don’t understand. I asked M Barr (Maya) once how her poem she had to write for Spanish was going and she was like “Kaday that was like a month ago” to which I responded “no way at the most 2 weeks” (I was really under the assumption it was one week before). So with time being fleeting and the end of the semester hunting me down like prey, I’ve been trying to figure out how to hang out with more people. As what happens in youth the concentration of my friends are dwindling and in anticipation of not falling into a depressive episode I’m committed to building a solid community.

Here’s what I’m thinking—since my birthday is in the summer month of July when everyone is out for summer and I missed my half birthday I will throw a 3/4 birthday party. But I’m all talk a lot and not a party planner so we’ll see. I wanna do all the party games and get drunk and go around hugging people in the room and telling them how much I love them. On that note, my other 19 yr exploit is a fake! (no one throw me into jail) Admittedly it’s sooooo taking forever but after spring break things better go wild.

Fun new fact! I’m in a band now—Sofya. There’s like minimal lore to the name but it’s one of those if you get it you get it. So I THINK—(or rather I guess) I’m the lead singer, rhythm guitar. and it’s so a complicated mindfuck for me. because I really wouldn’t want to be anything else but also I’m not like a trained singer I had choir in 4th and 5th grade and took an intro singing class last year. I can carry a tune but like I don’t know if i can carry a band. but I really want to. I would say this is my imposter syndrome but like maybe I reallyyyy am an imposter.

next thing, so one of my 2024 goals was to make out with someone, cause I realized in December I went the whole year kissing no one and I think that’s sick and twisted and invalid. Caveat is I refuse to get on dating apps—especially in Western mass. I was having this talk with Mawuena yesterday where when I say “dating apps make me sad” I don’t mean it in the ‘the pool is horrendous to choose from’ sort of way like most people do when they get on dating apps. I mean it in a I know no matter how hard I try or how pretty I am—black girl will always not be a lot of people’s types. that's the way the world turns i’ll almost always be beaten out by a white girl on Tinder or Hinge. And obviously, some of these things are case by case—demographics by demographic, but this fact never stops feeling true. I can be cool, but not cool enough to date, I can be nice and fun and funny, but not enough. I mean in some cases, I’m just awkward, but regular people are weird. Regardless, I’m just in the world and I navigate my way through it. We also talked about how white mascs were sent to earth to be the bane of black girls’ existence, well especially at Smith College.

I haven’t written much in this in-between time, so I guess this post is good to have. I’ve also realized that since the beginning of the year, I’ve written a lot of songs and I wonder if I’ll ever tell the people I wrote the songs for about them or even play them for them. we’ll see—songs are a bit like my musical journals, vulnerable!

side notes—I just recently watched the Into the Woods 1990s Broadway original cast and like OMG. It’s so smart and fun. Musically, lyrically, and in terms of the story. The actors are great and funny and they let us have these intermingling stories while allowing the audience to be smart. I liked the Disney version but I mean I get now what my drama teacher was talking about with the story plus the vocals—not as good. To which I saw, Wonka was not a good follow-up to watch this week because right now I’m anti-celebrities in musicals if they don’t have serious pipes (so sorry currently going through twink death Timothee).

Also! I’m taking tango this semester and it’s so fun. I love my tango teacher she’s so genuinely talented. and after reading black Swan by Eve Babitz it seemed only right, I will put a video of me dancing with this random guy Claus. It’s a short video but I think so cute. Anyways he asked another girl to dance after me—cough cough cheater.

I think I’m running out of things to tell you about my life or my thoughts. mostly cause of the train rocking so I will leave you with some pictures and things.

From the Digital!

at Kate’s b-day party, was so high that night was convinced the people were lying to me, but much fun!

ava! we were preeing @ nik’s—did i mention nik has a cat now?

natalie when she came to smith, once a smithie always a smithie

i felt the rush

i hope this picture is okay saturn cause it’s so non important, but sapien joyride is hiding in there!

me and M Barr glasses shopping, idk where they are right now

Here are some movies and shows that I remember loving and it seems about that time in the year to rewatch and would maybe be 5x better if I were to watch them with someone

Kill La Kill - fun and so fucking weird and smart. like you wouldn’t guess what’s happening? seen it at least 3 times

Tank Girl - have i told you guys i love absurd shit, i also love things that feel like comics (see the suicide squad and scott pilgrim)

Fooly Cooly (FLCL) - I know you’re thinking what’s up with the anime? and I really haven’t watched anime in forever but I just miss how wack animation can be and this is so wacky. and no sensical—i could not tell you the plot. plus has great music from The Pillows

Dune - i rewatched this over the summer when i was high and maybe, it’s not time for a rewatch but it was so so good when i rewatched, it’s probably just the pressure from dune 2 and the dunessy popcorn bucket.

I’ll leave you with some songs since I haven’t written any yet.